Limbo land

It’s been a while since my last post as I’ve been busy busy busy. First I was busy having fun with Beck and Amelia. They did a great job at keeping my mind off of everything. During that week I often forgot about what’s to come. I ate, drank and was merry.

Since then I’ve been back on the roller coaster. Packing has made it all really hit home (again) and that sinking feeling has returned, getting worse day by day. Most of the time I just feel frozen or in limbo though, unable to move forward, trying not to look back, stuck in this moment. Post diagnosis and surgery but pre-chemo. It’s very surreal and an extremely hard place to be actually. It kind of feels like life is happening as it normally would around me but I don’t fit in anymore. I’m in limbo, in between surgery and chemo, my old life and my new life, Yeppoon and Brisbane. People around me are going about their normal lives, even my close and immediate family, and sometimes I find it really hard to keep up. At times I’ve said I’d like to sleep for the next 15 months and wake up at the end of treatment but then I’d miss out on all the goods things too.

A lot of it has to do with the fact that we’re moving and I don’t handle moves well at the best of times. Packing is even more difficult because we’ve leaving some stuff here in Yeppoon, taking what we need to Brisbane (to be stored until we find a house) and then there’s what we’ll need before we find a house. Argh! It’s too hard to even think about let alone act on what needs to be done. Needless to say it’s all happening very slowly. We had a garage sale last weekend so were able to relieve ourselves of many items we no longer need or can’t justify the space for. Thursday to Sunday was pretty hectic and there wasn’t much down time. I’m struggling to find the time I need to replenish and prepare for what’s to come. In some ways it’s good that I’m busy as my mind is not focused too much on the future but I was really hoping to have some good quality time with my little family of 4 before our lives change for a while. I’ll just have to take what I can when I’m feeling good over the next 15 months and make the most of those times, cramming in lots of love & laughter with Derek, Rosie and Polly.

It was good to have yet another big clean out. We had one before Polly was born so it’s surprised me how much stuff we still had that we don’t really need. It feels good and I have a feeling that when we come back from Brisbane we’ll have yet another clean out of all the stuff we’ve left here that we just don’t need. We should all have a good clean out once in a while. It’s good for the soul and makes life feel somewhat lighter.

I had some more tests last Thursday. A CT scan of my brain, an Echocardiogram of my heart and also an ECG of my heart. Brain scan is to make sure there are no tumours in there and the heart scans to see what my heart function is like before my treatment starts. There is a risk of the drugs affecting the function of my heart. The risk is low but they will be testing my heart every 3 months over the next 15 months. Still waiting on test results but no news is probably good news at this point. I’ve had two reflexology appointments the last few weeks and got a lot out of it. At Choices at the Wesley they provide free sessions of reflexology, reiki and Indian head massage so I’ll be booking in for some sessions. I’m booked in for a Look Good Feel Better workshop at the Wesley at the end of October. It’s all in the title really, looking good and feeling better while undertaking cancer treatment and how to get a handle of the side effects that affect the appearance. My first treatment is 18 October and my hair will probably start falling out about 3 weeks later. I’ve already started the chop, my hair is currently sitting just below the ears (and red) and I hope to get in another haircut soon. I remember why I don’t like the current length and am now looking forward to having it all cut quite short.

Polly & I (my new hairdo) :

As I said, the past few weeks have been pretty tough emotionally. Packing has made me face up to things I wasn’t quite ready to face up to. The main one being the fact that we’ll always be a family of 4, when I had pictured us as a family of 5. Little George or Billy will always be a figment of my imagination now, never a real little boy running around, playing with the girls. This makes me very sad. I know that I’m lucky that I have two beautiful little girls (people keep telling me I am so I must be!) but it’s difficult to come to terms with that when the choice to have another baby has been taken away from me. Going through Polly’s things have brought these feelings to the surface. I’m sorting through these feelings with the psychologist and I have no doubt that I’ll come to terms with this in time. It’s tough in the meantime though, especially with everything else I’m having to deal with at the moment. I am lucky though, I have two gorgeous girls to take my mind off of all my troubles. And they do, many times a day.

So, plans from here are finish packing, Derek drives to Brisbane with the cat and dog on Sunday. Missy and Maui will be staying with our friends Matt & Renae until we find a house (thanks guys!) Mum, Rosie, Polly and I fly on Monday. Monday afternoon Derek and I are looking at a house in Sherwood for rent. It ticks most of our boxes so hopefully it’s the one and we don’t have to keep looking. In the meantime we’ll be staying in a unit in Southbank leased by Derek’s work. It looks really nice and I’m sure we’ll be very comfortable there until we find our next home. On Tuesday I have an appointment with my physio in the morning. I have much better range of movement in my arm now but I have cording under the arm. This means my tendons are shortening. They’re a bit painful but the physio should be able to help with this issue. There is still a lot of numbness but it’s more bearable to touch each day. On Tuesday afternoon we have an informal interview with the daycare Rosie will be attending (thanks to my Aunty Debbie). I’m so excited that she’ll be attending such an amazing daycare, especially with a family member on staff. It’s located in Indooroopilly so we’re looking in that general area for a rental. We have family close by and it’s not too far for Derek to get to work. Only problem is it’s very expensive! We’ll try and view some other properties on Tuesday too. All the ones I like are $700+ a week.

On Wednesday I’m having the portacath inserted. As I’ve said previously this happens under heavy sedation in the radiology department at the Wesley. I have to fast after an early breakfast and the procedure is at 1pm. Home that afternoon but back on Thursday morning at 8am for check of my blood count before starting chemo. The chemo treatment will take place at HOCA each time. HOCA stands for Haematology & Oncology Clinics of Australia. I’ll be there for about 4 hours this first time before being admitted to the ward overnight so they can keep an eye on me. To be honest, I’ll be relieved to get to Brisbane and start the treatment. I’ve been in limbo for too long now and it’s wearing me down. Less than a week to go but still so much to happen in between.

It’s been a few days since I started writing this blog post. A lot of the house has been packed up. Tomorrow we’ll finish most of it and pack our bags and the car with what’s needed for our initial stay in Southbank. Rosie has been sick again so hasn’t been at daycare this week. I took her in there today to say goodbye, it made me sad. She was so happy running around with the other kids playing with the bubbles and giving hugs to all her teachers. I know she’ll make new friends and kids adapt easily but it means it’s nearly the end of our time here and our new life is about to begin. Who knows what this life will bring. I’m optimistic but also a realist. It’s not going to be easy and I think that time will probably slow down a bit for a while. I’m hoping there are lots of people around me to help keep the fun in my life because time goes faster when you’re having fun. Polly is such a cheeky little girl. She was 6 months old yesterday (11 Oct) and is thoroughly enjoying eating now. She’s much easier to get a smile and giggle out of than Rosie ever was. I’m looking forward to seeing her personality come out even more as she grows.

Polly’s first taste of food :

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Rosie feeding Polly :

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Rosie out on a date with me :

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I’ll leave it at that for the time being and try to check in next week at some stage. It’s been great to hear from everyone with well wishes up to this point and I hope to keep in touch as much as possible over the next 15 months. It’s a lifeline for me sometimes. I want to hear what you’re all up so please keep me updated.

Remember October is Pink Ribbon Month so please support it in any way you can. If I had the time I would have arranged a Girls Night In myself. I’ll have to focus on next year instead. http://www.pinkribbonday.com.au/

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9 thoughts on “Limbo land

  1. Hey there Cass x

    Another amazing blog keeping us so well informed. Your energy astounds me. I hope you can feel the love and goodwill that surrounds you it won’t stop for a second xx

    Jac

  2. Hey Cassie,
    Been waiting with baited breath for the update! You’re truly amazing for your persistence and rationality through all this. I really admire your mind set and just hope you know how much I’m thinking of you and the family. Would love to see you when you’re in Brisbane if our schedules permit.

    Hugs to you,
    Aims
    Xx

  3. Everything will be alright my love. You are going to be surrounded by the most amazing medical team, your family, and friends who love you & will do everything they can to support you in your journey.

    I can’t wait to see you when we get into brissy. once my final cpa exam is out of the way on 23rd duane & i will put our heads together & work out a plan re coming into to see you all, when you’re up for visitors.

    saddens me that you’re feeling the loss of not being able to make your little boy – a completely understandable emotion. i can’t imagine what that would be like. it was hard enough for us to decide no more kids after having the 2 boys, with my long desire to have a girl one day, but to have that choice taken away from me, i can understand your hurt. big hugs love.

    i’ve heard nothing but great things about the look good feel better courses. did you get the sunday mail that day with the big liftout re breast cancer. i found it really interesting about what they suggest you do before chemo – i’m sure they’ve already discussed this with you – the taking of the photos of your face, so that for eg if you lose your eyebrow hairs, the photos can help recreate the arch with makeup etc.

    anyway i am up way to late studying, your blog was a nice distraction – always great to hear from you & how you’re travelling. you won’t be in limbo for too much longer love. the fear of change is always worse than the reality. sounds like everything is falling into place with day care, rental & work. give derek a big squeeze for us. hope his trip goes well with the pets.

    love you, stay strong. it’s a shitty time, no one is denying that, but as dory says, just keep swimming.

    cc
    xx

  4. Hey lovely lovely
    I had such a great time up there with you and mealsy and have been missing and worrying about you ALOT. I wish I could give you a squeeze or hold your hand.
    I will give you all my strength for the next 15 months and hold your hand whenever I can.
    Love you
    Beck xxxxxxxxx

  5. My Darling Cassie,
    My hand will be there whenever you need it, you will never be alone with this, there will always be a hand for you to hold. If you ever feel alone ask God to hold your hand He is always with you and will help you through the rough times, as we your family and friends will.
    Remember however bad things get, there will be something good in every day………
    whether it be a smile from your beautiful girls or a kiss from your wonderful husband,
    or your Mother and I making you wet yourself …….laughing ….we seem to be good at that !!!
    Well Darling see you on Monday to start the next phase of your complete recovery.
    We all love you and will always be there for you.
    Aunty Marie x

  6. Oh Cassie , it’s been such a busy busy time for you packing and moving . The last thing you need to be doing but I guess it’s for the best to be closer to everything . So glad your almost done and ready to go now . You will be happy to start your chemo instead of thinking about it and worrying about it all the time . Strange thing to say , but so true . Hope you find a lovely home that feels right for you and your little family . Keep strong Cassie . And may the angels wrap their wings around you and keep you safe and protected . Lots and lots of love sending your way .xxxx

  7. Hey Cassie,

    Thank you for sharing your next part of your journey with us. I will be thinking of you this week as you go to your appointments and as you start your treatment and will pray that you don’t get any of the side effects that I did. Anytime you would like to chat or would like a visitor just let me know. Chris,, Kiara and I would love to catch up and also meet your little girls. Stay strong and know that we will be here for you and your family every step of the way.

    Love Always
    Chris, Sarah & Kiara
    xoxoxo

  8. Hey cas,
    Ur braveness and positivity is inspiring, thanku for the update, ive been wondering how u are. I love ur new hairdo, its very chic πŸ™‚ i wish u all the best with moving to brisbane. Its such a beautiful place. (Im origionally from there) i always wanted to get married in southbank where that pretty path with the archway and water features. Im so sad for u about not being able to have another child, i always wanted 4 but cant have another so i feel ur pain. Rosie&polly are so adorable, such beautifullittle princesses πŸ™‚
    Ur in my heart cas, stay strong hunny, as i know u can πŸ™‚
    Much love & light
    Jazi xx

  9. I’d just put Anzac down for a nap when i read your post. he usually self settles but this time was putting up a protest. your post made me feel awful for letting our precious boy whinge alone in his cot so he’s now in my lap, having been rocked to sleep!
    i hope you guys find a place you love soon & when you’re settled & ready for a visit give me a shout! i can come alone or with the brood…whatever you feel up for.
    please let us know if there’s anything we can do while you’re here.
    sending our love & cheering you on always xx

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